EDIT!!! I started this post in October of last year – and am just getting back to it BECAUSE – had an epiphany! or a notion OR I just got so damn pissed off because I did not finish it!!!
What defines me??
What defines you?
AND why do we actually need to have something that defines anything?
I was thinking about this today while I was actually cooking- I do so love to cook and said to myself “Self – is cooking what defines you?” and it was like “whoaaaaa” do we actually as humans have to have something that defines us?
Let us break this down.
We all have that “thing” that sets us apart from other in some form or fashion right?
It could be that you are an amazing cook or dancer or home builder or know every winner of the Kentucky Derby w/jockey since the dawn of time but is that what defines you?
Should the definition of you not be what you have done for you or for people but how you feel and how people feel about you?
Case in point – I have often been “accused” of being forward, distant, to the point well in a word bitchy BUT I am really not bitchy.
Yes I am direct at times BUT I also am an incredibly emotional – insecure -and empathetic human – but not a lot of people get to see that side.
Lucky you if/when you do – you know who you are (wink wink). I am a delight (she said sarcastically).
As of late – I’ve been trying to come to terms with my attitude and what I can do to adjust it to make me more acceptable or approachable or – I don’t know – nicer? but then I realized that I cannot.
I am caught up in my own ummmm not insecurities but vortex of life of jobs and kids and grandkids and my partner and his ailing mother and then just realizing that I do not have to please or take care of everyone!!!
No – I need to take care of my little corner in my world.
My partner is going thru a rough patch with an ailing mother and while the woman at times make me nuts- it is sad to know that time is ticking and that it will be extra hard for him.
And while at times he also makes me nuts – I am fiercely protective of him – like ya no shit – take a bullet – don’t mess with me – do you have a death wish protective.
And I’m sad to see him go thru this time.
Trying times all around with the media beating us down with nothing but bad news and inflation coupled with COVID burn out.
I am trying to be a better me.
While I may not have something that actually defines me but I do have some defining qualities (I think) and have moments that have defined my existence on this swirling ball.
I would like to think I am a good friend – partner – parent and person.
I do not need that validation from others but more so from myself maybe?
Self – you are doing the best job that you can considering the circumstances now stop being so hard on yourself.
In summation -from me to you – don’t get all hung up on trying to find out what “defines you”.
You – YA YOU – I see you – you are fantastic in your perfectly imperfect broke ass shell of a being vessel so go out and be just a little too much for people to handle and when you are done that – be just a little bit more please!!!!
Orange Acres 